Not My Idea Of Fun
by von seckendorf
Summary: The miko and the ditz have too much to drink one night and wind up the next morning with splitting headaches and a set of handcuffs minus the key. Efforts toward freedom leave them steadily more embarrassed, disturbed, and P.O'd. Eventual RxU. COMPLETED.
1. There Is No God

This was written because I'm hella bored right now, and I need something to take the edge off. The chapters will probably be real short, so prepare for some major spacing out.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, nor its characters.**

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Rei Hino woke up with a tremendous headache. 

Groaning softly, she gazed blearily up at the shrine's ceiling from her sleeping mat. She rolled over after finding nothing up there to distract her from the stabbing pains shooting through her head.

As she did, there a rustling and then a clanking sound. Rei froze, instantly alert. "What the hell was that?" she asked aloud to the ravens perched outside her window. They pecked at the glass but offered no reply.

"It was only me."

Rei relaxed for a moment. "Oh, okay then." She stiffened, suddenly remembering that there was only supposed to be one person in the room. Herself. Of course, it could be her grandfather, but she sensed that to think it would be a grave mistake.

"Wait a minute, who's me?" Terror caught her heart in a sharp, icy grip as the voice from nowhere let out a sleepy, utterly feminine giggle.

"Guess."

Slowly, oh so slowly, the miko turned her head to the side. Her violet eyes fell upon a familiar cheery face, and she fought the urge to scream. Rei quickly looked at up at the ceiling.

Her pupils dilated wildly as Rei took deep, controlled breaths, willing her heart to return to a normal pace. This was bad. This was very very bad. Usagi Tsuskino was in her bed.

Rei dared not to chance a look back at the dozy blonde, fully expecting to discover that she was naked. Wasn't that what usually happened in these kind of situations?

Hot pain flared up in her temples as Rei tried to remember just how she had fallen into this situation in the first place.

_Okay, last night. It had to have happened last night. La la la, study group, Senshi meetings, dum dum dum...nothing's happening. Usagi's reading manga, Minako's blathering on about some guy or girl or whatever she met at a party the other night, Ami's looking horrified, Makoto's laughing her ass off...wait, hold on. What's that Minako holding?_

_Bloody hell, is that Grandpa's wine? That was supposed to have been thrown out last winter! Has Minako been going through our garbage? No, Grandpa probably just snuck it back into his room. Damn him, he's too old to have alcohol in any sort of quanity, especially not a whole bottle like that. Okay, anyway, Minako's talking...yadda yadda yadda...Ami and Usagi are staring at her, Makoto's STILL laughing...what was I doing? Oh, yeah, I was asking Minako if she's out of her gourd._

_She grins and drinks from the bottle and passes it around, ignoring me, as usual__. Usagi, that idiot, takes a swig deep enough to knock a horse flat. Ami refuses and passes it to Mako. Sensible girl. Always liked her. Wait, Makoto's giving her one of those looks and passes it back. It looks like Ami's going to--No! Stop! Don't do it!...aw dammit. Ami takes a sip and is instantly pished. Whatever happened to responsibility and standing up against peer pressure and all that jazz? Also, her tolerance is for crap! Sigh. So, Makoto takes some and passes it to me._

_Did I refuse? Did I accept it? I think I did, it explains this killer hangover. How much did I drink? I don't remember. My head hurts. This sucks._

Rei groaned and rolled over to bury her head in the pillow. She felt Usagi give her shoulder a timid tap. The young Hino let out a muffled 'hnh' sound and winced as her head throbbed like a sharp rebuke. It felt like something had crawled into her brain and died there. Gah. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if the concern in Usagi's voice wasn't so sincere.

"Rei, are you okay?"

"Hnnh."

"How much alcohol did you drink last night?"

"Hnnh!"

"I don't remember either, but it must have been quite a lot. Otherwise your head wouldn't be hurting so much right now."

"Hnnh."

"Maybe you should lay off next time."

"Hnnnnnnnh...!" came the self-pitying reply. Usagi patted Rei's back, unknowingly adding to her embarrassment and discomfort.

"There there. I had a pretty bad headache when I woke up too. It's called a hangover, right? You seem to be taking it better than I did. I'm surprised you didn't wake up and yell at me to stop whining and being such a crybaby. I wonder what the others are doing right now."

The blonde prattled on, naive to the connotations her sentences invoked in Rei. The miko was profusely thankful that the pillow prevented Usagi from seeing the dark red flush that had spread across her face. After a while, the burning ache in her skull subsided somewhat and Rei forced herself into a sitting position.

She looked at the girl beside her, noting the absence of nudity among the both of them, and sighed. Well, Usagi and herself had wound up sharing the same bed for a night, but at least nothing had happened if the evidence was to be believed.

Her head still hurt and her stomach grumbled noisily. There was nothing for it. They had gotten into this situation, and now a cold shower and some breakfast would put them on the road to getting out of it. Rei shuffled off the sleeping mat and felt a depressively chilly floor underneath her priestess garb.

She must have fallen asleep in it. No matter. She would soon be out of it and in the shower, Usagi would be going home as soon as possible, and Rei Hino could put the whole mortifying business behind her. But strangely, the miko's left hand did not want to be part of the plan its master had laid out. It lay under the covers, refusing to move with the rest of Rei's body.

Rei growled and tugged the limb after her. Usagi nearly toppled over, then fell on her back instead. Her friend felt something cold and hard press briefly against her wrist for a seocnd, and then she was yanked backward and wound up staring at the ceiling again. Muttering dark curses to herself, Rei sat up for the third time that morning and raised her hand up to glare at it.

"What in the hell...?"

Her irritated voice trailed off into nothingless she stared first at her elevated wrist, the shiny manacle clamped around it, then at the length of chain that bound it to one on Usagi's. They were handcuffed together. As Rei continued to stare in dumbfounded silence, her partner in confinement opened her mouth and let a rare curse slip out.

"Um, shit."


	2. Assuming The Worst

Hobbgobblehobbgobblehob.

**Disclaimer still stands. Also, I do not own Schoolhouse Rock.**

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"Rei?"

The miko continued to glare at the floor as she desperately tried to think of a way to preserve her dignity, ignoring Usagi. She hadn't moved from her spot since that morning. As a result, neither had the blonde. It was only a lucky concidence that her hangover had abated almost completely under the tension in the air.

The handcuffs. The handcuffs were the key. Wait, no. They had lost the key.

There was no key. There had never been a friggin' key. Rei groaned and reset her entire thought process. Behind her, Usagi started to squirm, squeezing her legs and rocking back and forth as her need grew greater. Why wasn't her fellow Senshi paying any attention to her? This was urgent!

"Um, Rei?" She tried again.

_Must break the handcuffs. Destroy them. Eradicate them. Annihilate them. But how? So many options. A hammer. No, too dangerous. A blowtorch. Inaccessible. Fire Arrow? Might vaporize our hands. Can I even transform like this? Gah. I hate my life._

"REI!"

"What, Usagi? Can't you see I'm trying to think over here?"

"I need to go."

Rei grumbled and turned back around, rolling her eyes. "Go where? We're kinda stuck like this, dumpling-for-brains. Now shut up." She yelped as her handcuff was given a violent tug that almost popped her arm out of its socket. The furious miko turned around and was met with the pleading puppy-dog gaze of her future Queen.

"I need to _go_."

Rei's eyes widened first in understanding, then in horror. With a final disturbed twitch, the miko sighed and got up. Stomping out of her room and down the hall, Rei literally dragged Usagi into the bathroom. The violet-eyed girl lifted one foot, kicked open the stall door, and gestured inside. Her resigned glare ushered Usagi inside far faster than her words did.

"Do your business."

There was a small whimper as the blonde did as she was told. The door managed to shut and lock, the accursed chain slipping through the cracks under the hinges. Rei frowned at how such things were possible. It was just so unfair. What had she done to deserve this?

Leaning on the space between the only two stalls and trying to ignore the sounds of a babbling brook, Rei closed her eyes. A memory sprang unbidden into her mind, taking shape with a speed and clarity that horrified the one and only young Hino.

_It was dark. The air smelled faintly of sweet grapes and lilacs, and something else. Something intoxicating and vaguely alcoholic. Rei found herself liking it as she stumbled up from her position around the table, swaying on her feet as her mind tried to assess the situation. The others were gone. What had happened? Rei blinked and looked at the bottle in her hand. Oh, that's right. They had drunk the whole thing between the five of them. That probably wasn't good._

_Rei knew this, but she didn't really care. It felt like wildfire was shooting through her vains, washing away all the fears, worries, and doubts. Rei felt liberated. She felt strong and confident, although a reluctant part of her was aware that she would be wishing for death come morning. Rei laughed out loud and started walking towards her room. The floor kept moving beneath her, and the walls were spinning, but it wasn't so bad. It was like she was in a really big merry go round._

_Round, round, round, she goes, where she stops, nobody knows._

_It was strangely quiet in the shrine. Her grandfather must have gone out earlier and hadn't returned yet. Rei giggled. "Ish prob'ly good that he can't shee me like thish. He'd give me hella a lectshure." She was still giggling when, after much groping for the doorknob, she entered her room. Usagi was sitting on the sleeping mat in the center. It wasn't surprising. Rei toddled over to her and plopped down. Smiling hugely, she slung and arm around her._

_The booze was making her talkative. "H'lo there, odango-'ead. How are ya doin' thish fine summah night?" Usagi giggled and draped herself across the miko. Rei found herself not minding the intrusion of personal space._

_"I'm doin' pretty well, all things conshisdered."_

_A pause. "Oh. Thash good, I guess."_

_Usagi laughed and leaned forward, brushing her cheek against Rei's. The other girl grinned in naive puzzlement. "I like you, Rei. You're a real nice person, even though most of the time you're yellin' at me and callin' me a crybaby and stuff. But sometimes, ya know, I wonder. Why are you so mean sometimes and real sweet other times?"_

_Usagi was close now, very close. "I wonder why you can't open up and say what you really wnat. Why do you hide? I'm you're friend. You should tell me. I wish you would. I really wish you would. It would make me so happy." __The blonde brushed her lips against the ones belonging to the explosive Sailor Mars, pushing forward when no resistance made itself known. _

_Rei deepened the kiss, relishing it, before some inner sense flashed a hot warning and she pulled away. The taste of strawberries and wine lingered in her mouth, tangy and sharp. Her head was spinning. What was this feeling? Was it the alcohol? Rei clapped a hand to her heart, feeling like an invisble hand had taken hold of it and started squeezing. It hurt. Gamely, Rei grappled with the abrupt and confusing pressure and attempted to wipe the sadness from the young Tsuskino's cornflower blue eyes._

_"No...no, 'sagi. We can't. Ish...ish not good. I'm drunk, yer drunk. Thish ain't the way it should go...not how ish sup'osed ta be." Rei fumbled with her words, trying to make sense even though she was drunk as hell and her thoughts were just as muddled. "Ah mean, you've got that whole thing with Mamoru goin' on, an'...an' ish not fair of me to get ya inta doin' sumthin' you'll regret later."_

_Usagi looked at her with innocent blue eyes that had just a trace of longing in it. It would have been kinder and easier to bear if Rei didn't dimly know that they were both drunk as skunks._

_"But what if I don't wanna regret it?"_

Off-key singing snapped Rei back into reality like a lightning bolt. She breathed rapidly, chest heaving, trying to make sense of what she had just seen through her mind's eye. Blissfully unaware of her best friend's shocking rememberance, Usagi began to sing something she had heard on the radio a few weeks ago. She was just as blind to the fact that she was tone-deaf.

"We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, secure domestic tranquility..."

Thankful for the distraction, Rei gave the stall door a smart rap. It was the signal for 'silence, or there shall be violence'. Usagi ignored it, like she did most of the things Rei told her.

"...provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare anAAND..."

"Will you shut up?!"

"No!"


	3. We Need A Manual For This

Someone shoot me. Please. I''ll get to the action eventually. Bleh.

**Disclaimer still stands. Now it seems like I don't own "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem either. No, I don't know how Usagi got exposed to that song. She must have very inattentive parents.  
**

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It had been ten full minutes since Usagi had entered one of the shrine's only two stalls, and she was still singing. Rei, meanwhile, had sailed past the point of irritation and was deep in P.O'd country. Her left foot was asleep, she wanted breakfast, and she was STILL handcuffed to her airhead of a comrade. Things were not exactly looking up for the fiery Sailor Senshi. 

"Are you done yet? God must have given you a bladder made of elastic if you're not."

Usagi's answer was the metaphorical equivalent of tripping and falling down in front of a moving train. Listening to it, Rei felt her eye start to do that twitching thing again.

"I finished a while ago, but I've been staying in here to get back at you for calling me an idiot earlier. Ha ha, what now? Oh! That's right. Ahem, anyway, as I was saying...I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady, all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating, so won't the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up--"

The miko ground her teeth together, unaware that steam was rising out of her ears. "Oh, you want to stand up, do you? Here, let me _help you_."

Rei had to bite back a snicker as she pulled hard on her end of the chain, rudely cutting off the second refrain. There was a most satisfying yelp that was followed by a crash and a loud thump as Usagi was jerked off the toilet seat, smacked against the inside of the door, and hit the ground in a tangle of schoolgirl uniform and bun hairdo. Rei started laughing evilly, drowning out the annoyed voice directed at her from behind the stall door.

"Owwwww! You're so evil to me, Rei. You suck! I hope you get VD, whatever that is."

Usagi opened the door and stomped out, looking disgruntled and disheveled in her fall from glory. Rei turned away so her victim couldn't see her face contorting as she held back giggles. Forcing air into her lungs, the miko spun around and strode past Usagi. She tried to exude a businesslike I'm-the-big-dog air as she dragged her manacled friend back down the hall from whence they came.

"Better VD than a face that'll frighten off Jack the Ripper's ghost. Now, come on. Let's get some breakfast before I faint."

There was no way that Usagi could refuse. Keeping true to the shared feeling of rivalry, they sat directly across from each other. The chain stretched across the tabletop, a line of silver between plates and bowls piled high with food. Rei's end clinked against her bowl as she lifted her spoon, munching on Fruit Loops as she glared over at Usagi.

It wasn't a conscious thing. It was more like her face had chosen that default expression for looking at the Moon princess. Rei wasn't sure when she had started doing it, although she figured in the back of her mind that it had probably been after one of their many petty arguments. If Rei really cared about it, she would have realized that it was kinda weird to be glaring daggers at the queen of a kingdom and not even realize you're doing it.

However, she cared more about eating her gay cheerios than psychoanalyzing herself. Feeling OCD, Rei placed her empty bowl in a ruler-straight perpendicular angle to her glass of orange juice.

Usagi, on the other hand, was feeling as happy as a pig in mud. A Silent Rei was a Happy Rei as far she was concerned. Her ego had suffered enough in the last hour or so from the barrage of sarcasm and insults. Also her bottom. It throbbed from her ungainly descent to the cold tile floor. Ignoring it, the young Tsuskino blissfully jammed a forkful of fresh pancake-y goodness into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully.

She narrowed her eyes. It needed syrup.

Looking around, Usagi smiled when she saw a big jug of it off to her right by the edge of the table. The blonde leaned to the side to reach it, but knocked it to the ground instead. Sighing, she reached down to pick it up, unknowingly towing Rei along with her as the chain formed a diagonal line that was stretched taunt. The young Hino had to thrust out her arm to avoid having her face pulled down onto her pancakes. It worked, but at a price. Her hand grazed the side of a pitcher of orange juice and sent it teetering.

It wobbled one way, looking on the very brink of falling off the table and hitting the floor. Rei held her breath. Then it moved back. Rei sighed in relief. Just to spite her, the pitcher tipped all the way forwards and drenched her in sticky juice. She sputtered, blinking as the liquid tried to run into her eyes. Usagi sat up, holding the syrup jug in one hand. She goggled at the saturated miko.

"What happened to YOU?"

Rei got up and marched over to Usagi, who cowered at the right of her enraged friend. Somehow, without any words being spoken, she knew that she was in major trouble. The miko grabbed the almost empty pitcher, turned it upside down, and stuck it between the Tsuskino's twin buns like a hat. "Dammit dammit _damn_," she muttered under her breath as she wiped her clothes on the bewildered Usagi. A thin trickle of orange juice ran down between the blond's eyes.

"This is officially your fault."

"I don't even know what happened!"

Ignoring the defensive wails, Rei went to her room and got out her blow dryer. She reached for her shirt drawer, but a thought suddenly occured to her. _Wait, I can't take off a shirt in handcuffs._ _Nevermind!_ Rei turned away and walked down the hall, Usagi silently following, numbed by fear. Holding the towel in one hand, she re-entered the bathroom for the second time that morning and got a towel.

Instructing Usagi to stand absolutely still, Rei set down the blow dryer out of the way where it couldn't electrocute her. Then she ran the towel under the running sink faucet. After it was wet enough, Rei wrung it out and scrubbed her shirt thoroughly. She did the same to the skin underneath, making sure to wipe away every trace of the sticky residue.

She couldn't stop blushing until she was done, for some reason.

Glaring at Usagi, Rei picked up the blow dryer and turned it on. The odango-head quailed under the look and shut her mouth again. She had been about to offer helping out, but wisely decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Usagi managed to keep herself amused by staring at the wallpaper until Rei had finished.

Shutting off the blow dryer, the miko gathered up her long, dark purple locks and bent down over the sink. Turning the knob, Rei began to methodically clean the orange juice from her hair. It was a little scary how well she was taking this. Time passed. By the time that the young Hino had finished drying her absurdly long hair, Usagi was feeling a little braver. Timidly, she approached with a brush.

Surprisingly, Rei allowed her to work through the snarls and tangles that the orange juice had brought on, Usagi managing quite well despite wearing handcuffs. It was a silent, awkward affair; for Rei because of what she had remembered, and for Usagi because of the trust being placed in her. It made her feel unreal, and she half-expected herself to break something.

"So."

Usagi nearly leaped a foot in the air. The only thing that kept from doing so was the idea of what would happen if she did it while holding a sizable chunk of Rei's hair in her hands. She was very still as she replied.

"So what?"

Rei waved a hand at her, wanting the brushing to continue. When it was underway again, she sighed.

"So, how are we going to get out of this mess?" Not waiting for the other girl to answer, Rei rushed on. "I mean, this isn't a problem we can solve between the two of us, I think. It'd be too easy for one of us to get hurt." She looked suddenly contemplative. "That means that we have to ask one of the others for help. Who do you suggest, Usagi?"

Usagi fought down the reaction to jump again. She focused on brushing the ocean of silky obsidian strands in front of her, trying to buy time as she thought. Her opinion sounded like it might actually carry weight with Rei. Usagi didn't feel like screwing up this time.

"Well, I think we should ask Ami. She is the biggest genius out of all of us. Maybe she can find a way to break these stupid things." The future Queen stuck her tongue out at the manacle on her wrist. Rei leaped up and spun around, catching Usagi in a surprise hug.

"Usagi, that's the smartest thing I've ever heard you say! Yes! Ami'll know what to do! Oh Usagi, I could _kiss_ you!"

Usagi blushed, but it went unnoticed as Rei clapped her hands joyously at the good idea and barreled out of the bathroom like a shotgun blast. She ran in the direction of Ami's house, dragging the blond behind her all the way.

"GAH!"


	4. F For Failed

**Disclaimer still stands, buckos. **

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The two girls stood, breathless, outside in front of the apartment complex where Ami lived. Rei had run without stopping over woods, streets, and small children. Surprisingly, the exercise had done her some good and she felt less pissed off about spilling orange juice all over herself. Usagi was too busy pulling twigs and things from her clothing and hair to notice either where they were or her own exhaustion. 

_Get that off, get that off...ooh, a rose bud! When did we go by a rose bush? Strange. It's pretty, though. Reminds me of Mamo-chan...only he's not pretty. Get that off, and that, and- is that a blueberry stain? I didn't eat blueberries today! What the heck? OUCH! How did I get a twig stuck in THERE? Ow._

Usagi tossed away the sliver of wood with a glare of distaste and turned to look at Rei, then at the complex. It was huge. It looked like it was carved completely out of marble. It looked full of expensive things. The blond and the miko gave each other surreptitious glances. Rei motioned for Usagi to go first.

"You go in."

The future Queen shook her head and took a step back. "No, you go in."

Rei smiled dangerously. "Age before beauty."

"But you're not beautiful. And we're the same age!"

Annoyed again, the miko grabbed hold of her end of the chain and swung Usagi around in a circle. She whirled around and around in a circle, waiting until the blond was actually airborne before letting go. The future Queen went sailing forward in the direction of the door. Rei was yanked off her feet after her, having overlooked this particular flaw in her plan. The duo hit the entrance-way and tumbled into the lobby. Yelling and struggling against inertia, they rolled across the marble tile floor in a jumble of limbs, clothing and very long hair.

They bounced straight across the room into a slowly closing elevator, collapsing in a heap inside just before the doors fully shut. Rei lay breathing heavily, spread-eagled and limp, on top of Usagi. The other girl groaned as best she could with her face squashed into a corner. The miko fell off of her and rubbed her head. "Okay, that's the last time I _ever_ do something like that again, handcuffed or otherwise." Usagi muttered a heartful agreement. The young Hino got to her feet and, after pulling the half-comatose blond up after her, pressed one of the button on the elevator's control panel.

It beeped and the floor felt very strange beneath their feet as the box-like mechanism was pulled steadily upward.

Rei sighed to herself and thought as to how she should phrase their situation. Should she mention that they had been drunk? Well, that was so obvious she wouldn't even need to. Rei decided that she should probably leave out the whole orange juice incident as well. She had been embarrassed enough for one morning, thanks. There was another beeping noise and the elevator doors opened. Dragging the inattentive Usagi out, the black-haired girl headed down the hall to the Mizuno's apartment.

They knocked on the door at the same time, and looked at each other in surprise. Rei blushed and turned her head. She knocked again and her fist hit Ami's forehead as she opened the door and leaned out. The miko stepped back in surprise and hid her manacled wrist behind her back, tugging Usagi's out of sight as well.

"Ah, Ami! Your head wasn't there a minute ago!"

Snickering at the chagrined Hino, Usagi waved at her scholarly friend with her free hand. "H'lo, Ami!"

The genius blinked sleepily at them and stifled a yawn. Managing a small smile, Ami returned the gesture. "Well, this is a pleasant surprise. May I ask why you two have come to see me? It's not a youma attack or anything like that, is it?"

The two girls shook their heads and shot each other glances, waiting for the other to act first. Finally, the miko bowed her head and lifted her wrist, Usagi's wrist doing the same out of habit. Ami looked back and forth between the two of them, not comprehending. Taking notice of Rei's silence, Usagi took up the slack and tried to explain.

"Hi, Ami. Sorry to drop by without calling you first, but me and meanie-Rei over here," Usagi paused momentarily in her narrative to shoot daggers at the other girl, "woke up and found ourselves in her bed like this. We were wondering if you can help us out?"

Rei turned to look at Usagi, and found herself seriously contemplating murder for the first time in her life.

Ami looked at the two of them for a moment, still not saying anything. Rei and Usagi watched her, wondering why she wasn't laughing. They most certainly would have been, if the positions had been reversed. Then a most curious thing happened. The genius' whole face went a bright, bright red for a space of three seconds, before vanishing without a trace. Rei and Usagi looked at each other again, perplexed. They sure had been doing that a lot lately.

"So, you handcuffed each other together, you say?"

The two nodded and suddenly glared at each other like it was all their fault. Rei fielded Ami's question without looking away from Usagi. "That's what it seems like, Ami."

"And you do not remember how this happened?"

Usagi spoke for them this time, resisting the urge to give the miko's nose a good pinch. "Yeah. I guess we both had too much alco-whatsisname. Booze, and all that."

Unexpectantly, the young Mizuno smiled and clapped her hands, "Science has the answer, my friends." Not seeing their twin skeptical expressions, Ami bade them enter and walked over to a bookshelf. As Rei and Usagi goaded and pushed each other inside, she reached up on her tiptoes and pulled a thick tome from its resting place. The other girls watched on in stunned awe. Ami was built like a toothpick, and yet she was not crushed under the massive book. What kind of protein shakes was she drinking?

"I would suggest making a batch of sulfric acid from scratch, as we are far too young to be able to purchase some legally. With some adjustments, I'm sure it could eat through those handcuffs and the chain quickly and cleanly, without buring half your skin off." Ami spoke aloud as she pawed through the book's pages like a seasoned librarian. Rei could hardly contain her excitement.

"And how long do you think that will take, Ami?"

"Well, with the time it would take to gather the materials, research how much would be adequate, find subjects on which to test the product, and document the findings in a scientific magazine, about...four months." Ami stated, turning around to shelve the book. Again, Rei and Usagi pondered how a lightweight like the young Mizuno could lift such a heavy thing with such apparent ease.

"Four months?!" They groaned, and cursed their respective luck.

"Give or take a year."

There was dead silence for a minute before Rei voiced a question.

"Say Ami,"

"Yes?"

"Can you think of any one else we know who would be old enough to buy some acid?"

"...Setsuna, perhaps."

"Heh heh, acid."

"Usagi, shut up."


	5. Plan B

**Disclaimer still stands.**

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When Rei and Usagi showed up at her doorstep handcuffed together, Setsuna was not surprised. Highly entertained, but not surprised. She had probably lost the ability to be surprised somewhere around the turn of the millenium. She was, however, a bit floored at their reason for coming to see her in the first place.

"We need acid."

"What?"

"Acid."

"You mean, as in, LSD?"

A pause.

"No. ACID. Like, the burn-y skin-peely off-y stuff."

"Oh. I...see. I suppose you want it to get rid of those handcuffs, correct?"

"Good God, woman, don't tease us! Yes, we want this thing OFF."

"Ah."

Setsuna turned around and went back inside the house. At her gesturing, the miko and the ditz followed. She lead them not to her bedroom, but to her study. There wasn't much difference between the two, except for the lack of a bed in the study. Actually, Rei found herself wondering if Setsuna didn't just sleep on her desk. Might explain her good posture.

Usagi found herself wanting to contribute, as Rei had done all the talking earlier. "Ami said it would take four months to make some of our own." She quieted down, pleased with herself.

"And she was right! But as I am the Senshi of Time, I can make four months go by in four minutes."

"Give or take a year," the tortured duo added.

"Right." Setsuna nodded, agreeing with herself, and selected a book twice as gigantic as the one Ami had possessed from a bookshelf that was three times as large. She opened it to a place she had bookmarked. With one finger she scrolled down the page, as if reading from a giant cookbook.

"First, you must take off all of your clothes to achieve maximum love-chi. This is the first step of the Reverse Cowgirl Mountain Garden Love Plan. Then, Usagi, you must straddle Rei's waist backwards while she-"

"What the hell are you reading?!" A very, very red Rei managed to sputter out. Usagi stared blankly at Setsuna. The mental image had stuck. It was like a train wreck; you could not look away.

Quietly puzzled, Setsuna closed the book and turned it over to look at the spine. She let out a soft laugh. "Silly me. This is my first edition Kama Sutra. Hmm, it is a little dusty. I wonder why." The Senshi of Time blew a thin layer of dust off the cover, oblivious to the dumbfounded expressions on Rei and Usagi's faces.

This couldn't be happening to them. This _shouldn't_ be happening to them. Rei and Usagi glanced at each other wearily and suppressed the urge to start crying in frustration. What the hell had they done? Was it their constant arguing? Such a stupid reason. Everyone knew they didn't _really_ mean it.

Setsuna looked at their twin defeated expressions, stoic as always. Suddenly, she lifted the book high above her head. Usagi and Rei gazed up at it fearfully. They edged away. Setsuna followed them. "I suppose I can still attempt to help you two. Now hold still. This thing is quite heavy, and I don't want to miss."

They bolted for the door.

Amused, Setsuna set down her Karma Sutra. She might not have felt like going through any great effort to help them out of such a comedic situation, but at least she had cured them of those mopey faces. The tall green-haired woman didn't like seeing others looking so gloomy. That was _her_ job, dammit, when she wasn't busy being as impassive as a rock. Usagi suddenly poked her head inside the room. Setsuna said nothing. Yet.

"Um, how does that...Cowgirl Garden thing go, again?"

Setsuna smiled and opened the book once more. She sensually licked the tip of one finger, perhaps on purpose, and flipped through the innocent-looking pages until she had found the spot she was hunting for. "Well, the second step mentions something about liberal use of whipped cream around the areas of your "love tunnels"...

Usagi left. With great haste. And a dust cloud.

Smirking at how easy that was, and also that now that she was alone, Setsuna placed the book down on her desk and began to study it.

Rei and Usagi ran down the hallway, cursing the hopelessness of it all. As they ran past several doors, seeking an exit from the erotic funhouse, they couldn't help but notice that one of the doors was open. Backing up a few paces, they peered inside. Haruka and Michiru were sitting side by side. Doing nothing. Nothing at all. Feeling mildly disappointed, Usagi and Rei waved at them. In doing so they revealed the handcuffs. Rei flushed and looked away from Haruka's knowing grin.

"I see you two are having some trouble. Well, come on in. I don't bite."

Complying, Rei and Usagi looked around the room warily. It failed to meet every expectation they held it up to. No furry rugs. No nude paintings. No strange-looking implements hanging on the walls. No built-in hot tub and martini bar. No giant birdcage in the corner. No cosplay costumes hanging in the closet. No video cameras. Therefore, they refused to believe they were in the fabled bedroom of Haruka and Michiru.

The sandy blond leaned in close and nodded.

"Hmm. A doubleniner Eckard's chain. You two really got into a mess with this baby."

"Of course you know so much about chains. Now, please excuse me while I make the obvious joke about you being the kinky one of the two of us." Haruka motioned for Michiru to shut up and peered closer at the chain. After a few minutes, she straightened up and left the room. She returned holding a mallet and a metal stake. Usagi eyed it distrustfully and moved closer to Rei for protection.

Rei's first reaction was to shove her away. For some reason, she didn't.

"Don't worry. This isn't going to hurt me at all."

Rei's next reaction was to run like hell. This one she obeyed without a second thought. Haruka and Michiru watched them go, honestly unsurprised at their reaction. The track star looked at the violinist and shrugged. They shared a sigh and spoke their thoughts aloud at the same time.

"I hope Setsuna doesn't decide to use that book for Hotaru's bedtime story."


	6. Oh WHAT Now!

**Disclaimer still stands. Also, I do not own "Rock The Casbah" by The Clash.  
**

* * *

"Hey, Usagi? How long have we known each other?" 

Usagi scratched the back of her head and looked up at the sky. They had escaped the confusing and disturbing place known as the Outers' house and were walking down the street. The two had decided, after much careful deliberation, to go to Makoto's apartment and see if the brunette could help them out. The odds weren't high in their favor, but the miko and blond remained hopeful.

"I'm not sure. Two years?" Rei shrugged and put down her arm. She had been glaring at the handcuffs, thinking about how much she well and truly hated it. Part of her was wanted to know the name of the person who had invented them, so she could banish their soul to the darkest pits of hell. Turning a corner and passing a bus stop, she glanced over at Usagi.

"I guess, right? I knew you when you were fourteen." The other girl nodded agreement, and they walked in silence for a while. The pretty day was utterly wasted on the bound youths, as usual. Usagi suddenly gasped and glared at Rei with abrupt suspicion. Rei blinked in surprise as Usagi leveled a finger at her nose.

"Where are you going with this?"

Rei pushed Usagi's hand away with exasperation laced with irritation, not missing a step. "I don't know. I'm just curious."

"That sounds wrong." Usagi commented as she turned her head to look down the street, twin ponytails swaying. Rei tugged the one nearest to her in swift rebuke.

"Shut up. It's because I remember how you acted on your fifteenth birthday."

Usagi's eyes widened as she further pondered the miko's train of thought, ignoring the fact the her precious landmark hairdo had been yanked. "Wow, I see what you're getting at now. It doesn't seem that long. Freaky!"

"I know! I mean, look at you!" Rei gestured to Usagi, who looked down at herself then back at her friend, confused. "In a few years, you might actually develop breasts!" Rei giggled as she jumped away from the range of Usagi's foot. They ran around in a circle for a while, completely forgetting their mission, the miko just barely managing to avoid being kicked by the blond. The young Tsuskino sighed and shook her head.

"How did I know that was coming?" She asked aloud as they fell back into step traversing the street. Another apartment building, this one less pricey-looking than Ami's, loomed in front of them. Rei would have answered, but she was laughing far too hard. As her bursts of mirth finally died down, they walked up the stairs to Makoto's apartment. They were a bit paranoid about trying the elevator again.

Rei knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Instead, the door swung open on its hinges. The two felt their souls die a little inside, but they stepped in anyway. It was dark and silent as Rei and Usagi crept down the hallway, not wanting to wake up Makoto if she was sleeping orsomething. After a few eerie moments, they entered the living room. What they found made Rei's mind scream and Usagi actually scream out loud.

"She's dead!" Usagi shrieked, latching on to Rei and burying her face in the hot-tempered girl's shoulder. Rei moved away, or tried to, a frown and a dark blush transfixed on her face. Usagi moved with her, adding to Rei's annoyance and embarrassment. Rei really didn't want to be here right now. Usagi was WAY. TOO. CLOSE. To crank the old Misfortune-Meter up a notch, the contact was making her feel all tingly inside. Thinking about it made Rei blush even harder and redouble her efforts to peel the blond off her body.

"It's okay, Usagi. Makoto's not dead. She probably just passed out on the floor when she got home because of all that alcohol she had over at the shrine." Rei said, attempting to sound soothing as she stared at the ceiling, determined to not look at the odango-head. After a minute, Usagi sniffled and let go. Rei was relieved, and yet..._And yet nothing_, her mind demanded firmly.

Rei stepped forward. Usagi stumbled after her. Extending one hand, the miko let it rest on the prone figure's shoulder. Makoto twitched underneath her touch and rolled over onto her back. She gazed at them through hooded eyes, opening her mouth to say something but clapping a hand to her head instead. Rei nodded to Usagi. They hadn't been the only ones to suffer from a hangover. Rei leaned over and spoke quietly to the brunette.

"Hey, Makoto?"

"...?"

"We need some help."

"...!"

"I know your head is probably pounding like hell, but we really need this from you."

"...?"

"Um, somehow me and Usagi...well...we handcuffed each other's hands together. Don't laugh, or it'll make your head hurt more. Also, I'll whack you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi."

"..."

"I'll take that as a yes. What do you propose to do?"

Makoto suddenly grinned and leaped up. "Knives! Knives are the answer!"

Usagi and Rei's eyes grew wide as Makoto stepped over to the table and picked up a cleaver, most likely used for chopping up large quantities of meat. Like Rei and Usagi. They clung to each other and took a step back. Makoto followed them, holding the cleaver high in the air and grinning. There was a look in her green eyes that seemed quite insane, or maybe it was just the light. Rei decided that she didn't want to find out and began sidling unobtrusively towards the door. Usagi shuddered next to her and did the same. Without moving her lips, she whispered the plan to her manacle-buddy.

"The hangover is most likely affecting her judgment. When I put my hand on the door knob, start singing. Don't ask why, just do it."

As she was speaking, Rei moved backward, down the hall, until she felt her fingers brush against the doorknob. Swinging it open, Usagi took it as her cue. "THE SHAREEF, HE DON'T LIKE IT! ROCK THE CASBAH!" She yelled at the hungover, out of her mind Makoto. The brunette stumbled backward, caught off-guard. Spinning about, Usagi made as if to run, only to crash into the door and fall down. Rei landed on the floor beside her with a crash.

Usagi turned back and encountered Makoto, cleaver upraised, aiming for the chain that bound the blond to the miko. But Usagi didn't know that. Uttering a short scream, she pushed herself and Rei away, working her feet furiously. There was a sharp clunk and a small flurry of sparks as the cleaver's edge slammed down on the floor where the chain had just been. Pulling Rei to her feet, the young Tsuskino bolted out the doorway.

An ominous crack had appeared in the blade. It spread into a network of hairline-thin spiderweb cracks until the steel shattered, leaving nothing but a hilt. Unaware of this unexpected development, Rei and Usagi continued to run for their lives down the apartment complex's hallway. In the Kino residence, Makoto stared at the handle with red-rimmed eyes before bursting into still-slightly drunken tears.

"Noooo! Knife-chan!"

Usagi turned her head back at the new sound flooding into her ears. "What was that?"

Rei's response was quick, terrified and annoyed.

"I don't know. Keep running! Dammit, if you even _think_ about tripping I swear I'll gnaw my hand off at the wrist and leave you here!"

"Go boil your head!"


	7. Sappy Maple Syrup

**Disclaimer still stands, my spanish galleons! (and I so don't own the Teenage Girl Squad as drawn by Strong Bad reference right there). Final chapter. Thanks to Silvararivencraft for the PB idea! Confused? Don't worry. You'll get it.  
**

* * *

Usagi dug her heels into the ground, shaking her head furiously . "No! No no no no! I'm not going in there!" Rei growled and trudged on, leaving a trench in the ground behind her as she pulled the adamant blond to the doorstep of the Senshi of Love. The chain that trapped the two of them together somehow did not break despite the great strain upon it. Rei felt her hate for the thing grow even stronger. 

"She might molest me, like she did that one time last year! I know you remember it. Easter sleepover? Hyperactivity and wacky hi-jinks? If you tell me you can't remember the time we locked Ami and Makoto in you grandfather's closet, I'm going to cry."

Rei rolled her eyes and kept tugging, Usagi fighting tooth and nail every inch of the way. This could very well be their last chance. After exhausting out all the others, as Hotaru and ChibiUsa had gone AWOL as soon as they had gotten wind of the situation, Rei was determined to be free from Usagi before the day was over. Minako was the last Senshi they could go to for help. If she couldn't do anything...well...there was always her grandfather. The miko winced and vowed to never let it come to that.

"That only happened once. And she was drunk, which was partly your fault because you tripped on that damn shag rug and broke open your parents' liquor cabinet. Seriously, who owns stuff like that anymore? Are your parents some kind of closeted 60's throwbacks or something?"

"I'm going to tell you three things; hell no, shut your face, and once is enough. Also, I mean, no offense to Minako, it felt pretty nice, but.."

"And you care so much about this, WHY?" Rei shouted, trying to drown out both Usagi's voice and the mental images that it conjured. She manged, somehow. Usagi sniffed and looked away haughtily. As far as she was concerned, Rei had every right have a temper, but none whatsoever to take it out upon a girl as pretty and wonderful and fabulous as Usagi Tsukino. The Hikawa Shrine should count itself lucky that the offended princess couldn't use a lawyer to save her life.

"Because I'm supposed to be the innocent one, that's why."

Rei was about to reply scathingly when the door in front of them swung open wide. Minako poked her head out, grinning hugely and flashing the victory sign. She looked _way_ too cheerful for someone who, by the almighty Law of Fanfic Cliches, should be suffering from a hangover and wishing for death. "Heyas, guys! Come on in, I've got tea cooling on the table." Minako turned around to go back inside, then paused. Looking over her shoulder, she giggled sheepishly at her dumbstruck friends.

"Oh, and remember to use your right hands to lift the cups. It'll save you some pain."

Usagi and Rei looked at each other at the same time, wondering how tea could possibly be more important than their predicament. Was Minako crazy? She must have been crazy. Only a crazy person would put so much perfume and other gunk on her body. Then they tried to understand how the heck Minako had known. More truthfully, they were wondering why she, like Ami and the rest of their unhelpful buddies, wasn't laughing and/or teasing the crap out of them. Then they looked down and realized with a faint jolt of surprise that she was right; their left hands were the ones handcuffed together. The duo shrugged and stepped inside. Life was funny that way.

If funny meant torturous, mortifying, stress-filled...er...torture.

The three took a seat, Rei and Usagi on the couch, and Minako across from them on her favorite loveseat. The young Hino and Tsukino lowered themselves carefully, suspicious of the couch and what might or might not have taken place upon its cushions. Minako watched as the two did their customary pushing and shoving act to whitewash their extreme embarrassment and nervousness. Minako wasn't surprised, or offended. Intimidation from schoolgirls was an everyday happenstance for the lusty young girl, although it was best not to ask why. Or when. And especially not where.

"I suppose you are wondering how I knew." Usagi and Rei simply stared in response to their friend's attempt to break the ice. Minako, however, always had something silly and a little bit nonsensical on hand to make sure that entertainment didn't fail her. The blond took out a pink cellphone and presented it to them, grinning like a loon. "Through the grapevine, my dears!" Usagi leaned forward and peered at the thing.

"It says "Cingular" on the front. Ow! Cut it out, Rei!"

The miko's face expressed indifference that she did not feel, and Usagi set about rubbing her dinged ear with a huff. Minako kept on watching them, smiling evilly. It was so similar to her usual smile that neither Rei nor Usagi questioned it. _She_ knew what was really going on. Oh yes, the grapevine had ensured that. "Now, here's a question for you. What is the weapon I use when I've transformed?"

Deer-in-the-headlights looks from the both of them, as was to be expected by now.

Minako nodded as if her guests had replied anyway. "My weapon is, of course, a Love-Me Chain! Take away the Love-Me and what do you get? A Chain!" Rei and Usagi looked at each other, then back at the other blond, who was by now gesturing dramatically with her hands. Again, Minako's sanity had fallen into question. "As such, I know stuff about chains." Here Minako tapped her chin, drawing her eyebrows into a mask of deep concentration. Rei and Usagi fervently hoped she wasn't just imagining someone naked.

"Also as such, it's should be a small matter to pick the lock!"

It was a reasonable and totally obvious idea. As such, Usagi thought Minako's brain had gone haywire, and Rei wondered if her escape plan could avoid being involved with the young Aino's living room windows. But since the two weren't the best of debaters after being pacified with tea, they consented to try out the notion. Minako withdrew from some secret place a hairpin and bent over, poked it into the keyhole of Rei's manacle, and began to eagerly jab around with it. Rei wished her life was like a James Bond film. If it was, the dratted handcuffs would pop off, no problem.

This, of course, didn't happen. Minako cursed rather colorfully and peered one blue eye into the tiny black crevice. Shuffling around, the two captives managed to get a look-see too. There was a puzzled, dumbstruck silence. After a few minutes, they pulled away, each wearing expressions of complete bewilderment. Rei and Usagi had thought they were getting used to strange twists of Fate. Minako had thought she was desensitized to anything unexpected. The three of them were blown away nevertheless, like a small and clueless shrubbery caught in the middle of a cyclone.

They looked at the keyhole. They looked at each other. They looked at the keyhole again. Finally, Usagi ventured to ask the question that was burning in all of their skulls. "Is...is that _peanut butter_?" Rei was relieved that her future Queen had been the one to say it instead of her. It saved some much needed face. Minako blinked and set the world record for composing oneself.

"Well, I suppose that figures. Oh well, it's not like it matters anyway. I bet you two like being this way, hmm?"

She ducked her head, shaking it in exasperation as Rei's empty tea cup went sailing overhead and shattered against the wall. She set down her own and looked over her shoulder in the direction the missile had gone. "You have horrible aim, Rei. You completely missed me," Minako tittered as she moved to dodge another tea cup. "Again, even with Usagi's cup? Wow. I guess you never took archery when you were a kid, huh?"

There was literal fire dancing in Rei's eyes as she bit out each word of her reply, all of them raging with their own separate venomous fury. "**Shut. Up. You. Blond. Trollop.**" Usagi looked a little offended. Minako, of course, looked as serene and smug and amused as ever. She sipped her tea again and sighed in appreciation.

"Why deny it?"

"There's nothing to deny, damn you."

Minako raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

"Really really."

"Really really re-"

"YES, REALLY!"

Usagi turned a pair of confused blue eyes towards Rei. "Really?"

"Really! I mean, no, er, yes, uh...," Rei backpedaled. "um...dammit, this is Minako's fault."

The third girl gave a dismissive chuckle over the rim of her cup. "Well, you're acting awfully upset for one with nothing to deny, is all I can say. Of course, your diary tells a different story. Do you think Usagi here would like to read it?" Rei felt her face grow hot and she directed her glare at the ceiling. Beside her, Usagi blinked slowly. It was weird. Rei had ranted about one thing while obviously meaning another. Then there was the diary. What diary? Rei kept something as feminine as a diary? Usagi wondered if the miko really did feel _that_ way about her. She wondered some more. It was a nice concept. In fact, it was a _very _nice concept. But it didn't really answer the question of why Minako kept egging Rei on. Did she want her to do something?

Usagi suddenly stopped thinking about all those things.

You would too, if you suddenly found herself being kissed by one as passionate as Rei Hino. After a good long while they broke apart, gasping. Rei shot a glare at the contently smiling Minako. Her heart was beating way too fast, she was seeing stars, and she had just done something unspeakable, but at least the Senshi of Love's blackmail was useless now. "What...are you...gonna do _now_...huh?"

Amusement sparkled cheerfully in two blue eyes as Minako set down her tea again and showed her palms in a gesture of peace. "Nothing." Rei's jaw dropped.

"Nothing?"

"You catch on quick, don't you?"

Ignoring the sarcasm, Rei continued, feeling more confused and disoriented than ever. "You mean, you wouldn't have done anything even if I hadn't kissed her?"

Minako nodded. "That's right. I'm somewhat surprised that you didn't call my bluff." Rei blinked and turned sheepishly back to Usagi, who had by now recovered from the explosiveness of the kiss.

"So...I love you."

"Yes." Usagi nodded. It was like if Rei had just asked her if she did indeed like candy and sappy romance novels.

"And you're okay with that?"

"Of course."

Disbelieving silence.

"So I spent all that time denying, burying, forgetting, lying to myself, and getting my angst on like a freaking _emo_ for nothing?! Is that what you're telling me?"

Usagi shrugged and smiled. "I suppose so." Rei pouted and was about to start sulking when a hand suddenly cupped her cheek. The blond tried to sound firm as she gently caressed the skin beneath her thumb. "Now stop wasting even more of our lives and kiss me again." Frankly, it was a wonder Usagi didn't get scalded under the heat of the young Hino's blush. Rei nodded and, shy as a schoolgirl in an erotica shop, did as she was ordered.

Somewhere, a raven cawed and did a loop-de-loop high up in the clear blue sky.

Minako grinned and dared to clap her hands together once they broke the embrace once more, extremely happy with how the situation had turned out. There was a short silence as Usagi and Rei tried not to stare at each other and yet could not help their eyes meeting. The young Aino sipped tea. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Rei spoke again. "Well, anyway_, I'm_ the one who wears the pants in this relationship." Usagi gave her brand-new girlfriend a playful shove off Minako's couch, finding it difficult to sound indignant when fighting off both embarrassment and a pleased grin.

"You wish, O Tetchy One."

"No, O Fat One, I _know_. Just like I know that you had better help me up or you'll never see daylight again!"

Usagi cast a mock-glare and Rei and defiantly moved off the couch and placed herself in the other girl's lap instead. Rei returned the glare and poked the young Tsukino in the side. Usagi slapped her hand away. Rei continued to pester. Usagi growled and grabbed the miko's hand. Minako calmly sipped some more tea and watched as the Senshi of Fire's other hand caught Usagi's shirt collar and pulled the moon princess down, taking every opportunity to add her own kind of commentary to the ensuing floor scuffle.

"Careful with those hands, Usagi, I can't see them. You watch what you're doing too, Rei, I think you just ripped her shirt off. Oh my. You better not charge me for that. That looks uncomfortable...I mean, you two just got together, so cut it out. Yes. Of course...seriously, can't y'all do that somewhere else? That carpet's been clean for a whole week now. Dammit, what did I just say Usagi?!"

**_FIN_**


End file.
